The Time I Dated a Portuguese Man o’ War

I should have stomped his ass.

I should have stomped his ass.

Another really stupid mistake on my part. Right after I graduated college I had found a decent job in a professional office. Every week, however, people were getting fired little by little. None of us ever knew how long we had, and on top of that, the owner was kind of a creep. In the meantime, I had been applying for jobs that were in my actual career field, some of which were out of the area I was living at the time.

Over a holiday weekend visit with my family, I ran into Portuguese Man o’ War that I’d met before but didn’t remember much about the interaction. For whatever reason, we hit it off this time. (I think I was still hurting after my college boyfriend breakup, so I wasn’t seeing things clearly.) Sex wasn’t even good; he had a small dick and had bad breath from being diabetic, and he wasn’t even good looking, so I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. At the time, I thought he was just this really sweet guy. After only two months of seeing each other on weekends, I was offered a job in across the state where he lived, and we decided to get a place together.

About three weeks into our living arrangement, I knew I’d made a mistake. He turned out to be clingy and crazy. My job required me to bring my work home, even though it was unpaid. He didn’t like that. I said too bad, this is my career, and this is how it works in this field if I want to succeed. He also didn’t like the fact that this job was taking attention away from him – yes, that’s how needy he was. We were fighting like crazy, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of the situation safely, because when I told him I needed space, it angered him.

I’d kept a diary where I’d written my feelings about things over the years and had a suspicion that he’d been reading it. My suspicion was confirmed when I purposely wrote something about his small dick. That’s when things got really scary. He cornered me and wouldn’t allow me out of our bedroom. He was trying to get me to hit him so he could call the police on me, but I knew better. He did unacceptable things to torture my kid, and that’s when I knew I had to take legal action against him. I was issued a temporary restraining order against him, but officers allowed him inside the house to get his things without me being there. He destroyed my computer that I used for work, put itching powder (made with fiberglass) in my bras, rubbed deodorant all over the toilet seat, took all of my hygeine products, and said some pretty awful things to the officers about me. I’m sure it was obvious to them that he was a shitty person.

Not coincidentally, over a period of three weeks, I had three flat tires. We had to go to court over who was going to get to keep the apartment and to continue with the injunction. He claimed that I used him for money, that he’d paid for everything and I paid for nothing, which was a complete lie. I was fully prepared and presented copies of checks, receipts, etc., as my contribution to the household. Being that I’d moved a distance to live there and didn’t want to move my child again, he had clearly lied through his teeth, and apparently had a scarred history with women (I also learned that his ex wife had also had an injunction against him), I was granted a permanent injunction against him and was able to stay at my place.

But Portuguese Man o’ War didn’t stop there. He reported me to child services with claims that I did drugs in front of my kid all day long. I invited the caseworker into my home and explained the situation, and it was clear who was a liar. Besides the fact that my new job would have detected drug use, my kid didn’t even know what a drug was.

Thankfully, I never saw him again. Right after him is when I started dating cops.

Work vs Private Life as a Cam Girl

My boobs are real during private and work hours.

My boobs are real during private and work hours.

Writing this blog has been therapeutic. It’s allowing me to remind myself of the mistakes of my past and the patterns that keep emerging. It also reminds me the importance of keeping the balance between my work and personal endeavors, which are often combined.

One of the things that I deal with on a daily basis is men that I personally know asking me tons of personal questions and expecting me to send them photos and/or vids for free, taking both private and work time away from my activities. When I’m in the mood, I might give in, but for them to expect it kind of pisses me off. I am charging strange men for the same thing, so what makes these guys think they’re so special? This is one of the things I am changing about myself… limiting my time with freeloaders that won’t even offer to take me out on a real date. Not only is it another reminder of how selfish people can be, it also turns me off. And working in this field, I need to be turned on as much as possible. 🙂

Since I work from home, my private and work life are also intertwined here. I live in a place about the size of a shoebox, which worked fine when I was working out of the home. But now I’m feeling the squeeze with very little space to conduct shows, store items that are auctioned off, and my “office space” creating a mess in my living room. Between the lighting I use for camming and the desk area full of paperwork, I don’t exactly like inviting people over, because it just seems too crowded and messy now, and I don’t always have time to break down everything and hide it. So I’m considering a move within the next six months to a year, depending on how my financial situation works out with this gig.

And here’s another dilemma: telling people what I actually do for a living. The other job that cut my hours hasn’t needed me at all for the last two months. (This was no surprise, which is why I started working in the adult industry – cannot rely on employers anymore!) I’ve always managed to do multiple jobs anyway, so I come up with things to tell people – photo editing and writing projects (which is all true), and I leave it at that.

My family knows nothing about this, and I don’t feel I need to tell them a thing until I start making a really decent, steady income. A handful of my guy friends know, some of which have been helpful. Other than that, I’ve only been able to tell one of my female friends. I’m pretty sure the rest would feel differently about me and look down upon me for promoting “porn” – which is something most of them have complained about with their husbands. So I can’t exactly say ummm yeah, I’m doing something that you absolutely hate your husband looking at. I do feel that at some point, I’m going to be discovered either by someone that knows and feels the need to out me or perhaps recognizes me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that to happen yet, but when it does, I’m going to use it to my advantage.

Haters Be Hatin’

Fuck the haters.

Fuck the haters.

It’s crucial to my job to put a smile on my face, because no one wants to look at a frowning chick on a webcam. If I’m in a bad mood, I stay off camera, since there is no need to take anything out on strangers that are trying to escape from their own worlds.

Sometimes people don’t understand that even though I sell fantasies, I am a real person with real feelings – and like everyone else, real problems. Most of the time people are super nice, but if I’m having an “off” day in my personal life, a smite comment can take the brightness out of the day. Usually, I can be thick-skinned and brush it off, so why does the comment continue to stick in my brain?

I was having one particularly bad weekend a few weeks ago. I had contacted my ex regarding something about our (adult) kid. It turned out to be no big deal, and he was pleasant about what I’d sent him. Two hours later, I get a hateful text from him saying that since I’ve moved on to never contact him about anything ever again. And then I’m pretty sure he blocked me. I was stunned. I showed the text to three different people – and every one of them said he didn’t send that, that his new girlfriend did. I realized they were right, because it was different from his “writing” and was totally something an insecure woman would say. The thing that really pisses me off is that they’ve been together since he and I were separated, and I purposely have gone out of my way trying to avoid them both in the small town we live in. And when I do see them, I either ignore them or if that’s impossible, wave a small “hello” and get on my way. I think that’s a pretty fair thing for me to do as an ex. So not only did this bitch create drama that never existed, her text brought up emotions that I thought I’d dealt with and reminded me of things I wanted to forget. It basically ruined my weekend, because it happened on Friday afternoon. Next time I run into him, I’m going to flat out ask if he really sent that text, whether or not she’s standing there, and hope karma bites her in the ass.

That same weekend, I had two chargebacks from deadbeat customers that were given a Skype show and canceled their payments. Fucking scamming cowards. I have zero tolerance for dishonesty and theft. This happened a third time this week. These people are essentially stealing my grocery money. Karma is a bitch.

And then came snide remarks from people online. I belong to some foot fetish groups on Facebook in which we post feet photos. If someone doesn’t like my feet, I don’t see the need to comment at all… just move onto something you do like, right? In one day alone, there were three or four dickhead comments. And then there are those people that create fake profiles on the camming sites with the sole purpose of insulting models. Of course, there were the great comments, so why do the negative ones seem to have more of an impact?

My First Webcam Experience

To Show or Not to Show?

To Show or Not to Show?

Never in my life would I have thought that I’d try to be a webcam model. I’m a very private person and wouldn’t want to be “found out” by anyone that shouldn’t know what I’m doing. (That’s why you don’t see photos of my face anywhere.)

A few weeks ago an old friend said to me I should try it, that I’d probably make good money. I told him I wouldn’t even know where to begin, because I know nothing about it. Coincidentally, about a week later I met someone that recruits women for it, but he proved to be unreliable. A few days later, I met yet another person whose ex-girlfriend was a cam model. So here I am thinking this is certainly a sign that I should take a serious look into this. He informed me of a site that features women only, and I signed up. It took a few days to be approved (you have to show proof of age, etc.), then I created my profile and tried to figure out how the site works.

I viewed some other webcam models’ pages to see what they were doing to get an idea of what I was getting myself into. Most of them seemed to be young girls, probably college age. How was I going to compete with that, I thought. I did a search for “cougar” to see if anyone my own age came up, and there were less than a handful online. Perfect! This is how I’m going to market myself, because there are plenty of men that prefer women my age. Some of the younger models seemed to be giving it all away for free, so I’m not sure how they make any money doing this. Others sat there talking to people in chat. One woman looked absolutely miserable and just sat there looking like she was ready to cry; I felt sorry for her and wondered wtf she was doing on there to begin with.

Monday afternoon was my first cam show. I spent several hours off and on throughout the day learning how to work the site. I wore a white top with lace on the bottom that was a bit see-through if you looked hard enough. It was long enough to cover my ass, so I could easily lift it to reveal one of my favorite silky black thongs. Apparently, when you first start broadcasting, the site shows you as a new model, so people can easily find anyone on there. My “room” filled quickly with voyeurs and chatters. I had NO idea what I was doing. Some people were very helpful and advising me what not to do. Of course, there were the typical assholes that wanted to see everything for free and others saying some pretty weird shit. I had several pop-up windows with private messages that I didn’t know I shouldn’t answer (it takes attention off of the room chat – and then you lose those people who may be the tippers). You can also view the men if they have a webcam turned on, so some were asking me to watch them on cam while they jerked off, another one wanting me to watch him stick something up his hairy asshole. It was definitely a learning experience.

I made some tips in regular chat, then had the opportunity for “group chat” in which at least 3 members have to agree to go to a group to see a semi-private show. I had one awesome tipper. Within about an hour and a half or so I made $100. That was incentive enough to want to go on again, which I did later that evening. I had a “private show” (one person) that allowed me to go beyond my goal for the day. He was also a very helpful member in showing me the ropes of the site. Some of my friends logged on to let me know I was doing a great job and offered some supportive tips. My night ended successfully, and I beat my original goal.

On Tuesday, I set my goal to be the same as Monday. But it seemed MUCH slower than Monday. (I’ve always hated Tuesdays anyway!) I had to really work at it to make about half of what I had made previously for a lot more hours. I had one young guy that was into older women tipping me to do stripteases to some hair band music. That was actually fun, but a little exhausting. Then I did two group shows. The tips were nowhere near what they were on Monday – and this time I was wearing a black bra and panty set, so less than the day before. Hmmm…???

The next day, I was so sore from dancing and moving in ways my body wasn’t used to. It was difficult to get up from the couch! I spent the day running around gathering new outfits so that I could do some camming in the evening and make up for Tuesday’s unfinished goal. I dressed in a black thong (I have several),  a revealing black cover-up top that opened in the front and black stiletto fuck-me boots. logged on and waited a little bit, but no one was coming to my room. Maybe it’s too early, I thought. Maybe it’s a bad day of the week? I waited. And waited. Seriously, wtf is going on? It was nothing like the previous two days. Where the hell was everyone? Monday was definitely the best and most lucrative. How odd is that!

Well… then one of my new friends informed that I was no longer showing up as a “new model.” Huh?? I’m on day 3 and I’m no longer new? What’s going on? I emailed support, and surprisingly, I got an immediate reply. Models are only “new” during their first ten hours of broadcasting. What!!! I’d spent about half of those trying to figure out how the site works. As you can imagine, I was extremely disappointed. How are people going to find me now? I have a few friends that could only find me because I’d told them my screen name. Now what? I have goals to pay off some hefty medical bills… so how am I going to do it if no one can find me? Any suggestions?