Other Random Bad Dates

These shoes were not made to run from jerks.

These shoes were not made to run from jerks.

As I’m reading through my scrapbook, some of these I remember and laugh at. But some I barely remember or not at all. For example, this one I honestly do not remember whatsoever:

This was supposed to be a weekend getaway, but it turned out that I couldn’t get away fast enough. Probably in my early 20s, I was invited to spend the weekend in another town. There was no chivalry whatsoever. He would walk at least 3 to 5 steps in front of me, sat down at the dinner table before me, didn’t bother to open car doors, asked me for money, “joked” by saying annoying, sarcastic, demeaning things, and would put his hands on me in public to show that I was with him. On top of it all, I ended up paying for dinner! Apparently, I never saw this person again.

Meat Packer:
He never became an actual date, but I saw him at least weekly. This guy worked at my local grocery store’s meat department. He’d been flirting with me on several occassions, always making conversations, etc., but he never asked me out. So I finally got the nerve to ask him out instead. His response: “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that very much.” I was pissed and embarrassed, so I started shopping at a different store.

Stinky Pillow Guy:
Back before Tinder and Match and other dating sites, people sometimes met on Yahoo Personals. I was in my mid to late 20s when I met a guy that lived about an hour or so away. He was very polite and very sweet, even in person. We got to know each other for a few weeks online and by phone, and when I met him, I liked him. Since he lived far and I didn’t want anyone at my house, I made plans to stay the night at his house – on the couch. Our date consisted of me giggling at the fact he didn’t have many table manners, but it wasn’t because he was rude; he was just inexperienced. We went to a sushi restaurant where he proceeded to wipe his face with the o-shibori that was presented to us at dinner. Then I watched him butcher sushi rolls, because he’d never eaten it before. We then rented movies that he talked through the entire time. Finally, I prepared to sleep on his old pullout couch with an awful bar in the center that killed my back. Then he gave me a nice moldy pillow for my head, and I immediately suffered an allergy attack. I guess he assumed he was going to sleep with me and took it upon himself to jump in next to me and put his measley hands all over me before he started snoring loudly. I managed to ease my way out and left in the middle of the night and never turned back.

Three Strikes, He’s Out!

I'll take myself fishing.

I’ll take myself fishing next time. 

A while back when I was twiddling on Tinder and during a time I was in between seeing Big Liar, I swiped right on a man that was in his late 40s. I believe he was 49, to be exact. In his photos, he appeared athletic, he liked boating and a few other things we had in common.

On our first date, we agreed to meet at a boating dock and he was supposed to teach me how to fish. (Previously, Big Liar was supposed to teach me but never followed through.) I found a cheap but decent pole at Walmart, packed a cooler with some food and beer, and dressed very casually in a sundress over a bikini. And I waited for what seemed like hours before he finally said what time we were to actually meet (he had about a 45-minute drive).

I was pleasantly surprised at how much nicer this man looked in person, and he was dressed more for a casual dinner than a fishing date. I could tell we were both nervous, but we seemed to get along fine. We didn’t stay out long, however, because it started to rain. We docked the boat and waited in his truck until the rain subsided, drank some beer and had some really great conversation. Things seemed to be going well. Once the rain stopped, we had to get the boat out. Apparently, he’d left my brand new fishing pole on the dock, and someone had stolen it. I wasn’t too upset, he claimed he’d replace it, and he had to leave to feed his dog.

Date number two was a lunch date when he was on his way somewhere and couldn’t stay long. I have food allergies, so I have to be careful what I eat and drink. Whatever was in the tea I ordered gave me a reaction. I know my body very well, I usually know exactly what it is that is giving me a reaction, and I knew it was something in the tea. It usually takes a while to subside, but in the meantime I sat there feeling panicked.

Then he actually said this: something about my age and am I sure it wasn’t menopause. Ummm what??!!! I looked him straight in the eye and said I’m definitely too young for that, and this is an ALLERGY. I was offended, as I’m sure most women would have been. He had to leave, and I couldn’t wait to get out of there, because I felt like shit.

The last “date” went like this: He was on his way home from work, called me to hang out. I said he’s welcome to stop by my house and have a beer. Now this is in the middle of the summer in 90+ degree weather. I keep my A/C and fans on, but I don’t need it to be 60 degrees to be comfortable. He was dressed in clothes made for fall, and I could tell he was hot. I looked at him and realized I’m not even attracted to this guy anymore. We’d never even kissed, his eyes were too close together, and there’s just something about him that I can’t pinpoint that I just don’t jive with. He didn’t stay long, and as he’s leaving he says, “You’re house is hot, by the way.”

That was it for me. I thought to myself, fuck you, fuck your insults, and you never even replaced my fishing pole as promised. Fuck you.

I deleted his number out of my phone. He apologized for saying my house was hot. I ignored him, because it wasn’t half as bad as assuming I’m at the age of menopause. Every so often he would send a pic of himself on his boat, like I gave a damn. I’m sure he’s still on Tinder meeting new women to insult.

Dating is (Mostly) Dead

My eyes are north.

My eyes are north.

I can probably count on one hand the number of “actual” dates I’ve been on in the last three years. (Hanging out at my place doesn’t count.) When my relationship ended, I resorted to PoF to see what was out there. I found it more to be plenty of sharks, plenty of liars, and plenty of needy leeches. And definitely plenty of assholes!

After being in a relationship for a long period of time and also being over the age of 35, it’s easy to forget what it’s like to date or to be single. Besides the lack of available AND quality people my own age, I had found myself to be very vulnerable and completely inexperienced… a virgin, if you will. (Not quite a virgin, but you get the picture.) I quickly remembered how shitty being single can be be when it comes to the world of dating… how being vulnerable can lead to stupid and hasty decisions all in the name of wanting to be loved or just cuddled.

The two dates I went on this year went pretty well. One was cocktails and dinner with a friend (we hooked up in the past but not anymore). He’s one of those people that I can have fun with no matter what without any hard feelings later. Another was with a man about 10 years older that I saw maybe a handful of times. We had dinner and went to a brewery afterwards. But he’s a blog post I’ll write another time.

It’s very rare that I get asked on an actual date, but when I do, it’s usually someone I do not want to date. This past Friday was exceptional, because I had three date offers. So what did I do? I chose to stay at home by myself, watch sappy movies and go to bed early.

Three date offers for me (especially in one night) is unheard of. First, I’ve had this guy I met a while back and sometimes run into (we hung out once, no sex or making out) begging me to do something with him. He’s nice, but something isn’t right about him… like maybe too rough around the edges. Plus, he had horrible breath last time we hung out. I’m looking for someone a little more polished.

Another offer came from a young and talented hottie, but there is definitely something off about him. It has nothing to do with his criminal history (*chuckles*), but he says some off-the-wall shit that makes me question his sanity. Keeping a safe distance from this guy. I need someone with a lot more maturity than what he has to offer.

And last, but not least, someone that I really like as a friend and only a friend keeps asking me to do things. It probably didn’t help that I “accidentally” made out with him after a few beers during a really vulnerable time a couple of weeks ago, even though I have zero physical attraction to him. I’m afraid he’s hoping for more than friendship, so I’m keeping a safe distance from him as well.

If I could take all of the qualities I like in all three of these guys and put them into one, there might be an actual date. While I would absolutely love to meet someone that can accept me for who I am and vice versa, I’m not holding my breath. I know my chances and choices are slim. I don’t want to waste my time going on empty dates with men that I know will lead to nowhere. After being single for three years, I realize that I may have to accept being single for the rest of my life, because I’m certainly not going to settle for anything less than what I want or deserve.

And then there are those Sugar Daddy sites…

No sugar daddy at the Comfort Inn. ;)

No sugar daddy at the Comfort Inn. 😉

I’ve always been attracted to younger men and generally don’t date anyone more than about 4 years older than me. My entire adult life I’ve been told I need to be with an older man, because of the maturity level. But let me tell you – I have not seen much of a difference in maturity when it comes to age.

I’ve tried a spectrum dating sites over time – ranging from the typical PoF and Match and Tinder to Cougar dating. I thought I’d try out a sugar daddy site to see if I get any different results from men that supposedly have money (as opposed to half of the ones I meet that are unemployed), to see if I get treated better. I have to say that anyone that I was physically attracted to was looking for much younger women/girls 18-21. There were very few attractive men on there to begin with, and many were married just looking for a fling.

The first “gentlemen” I agreed to meet for lunch claimed he was in his early 50s (looked older) and lived about two hours away.  This was right when my job started cutting my hours, so I had some time to meet during the week. (Let me add right here that when I first meet anyone, I dress in appropriate office attire, so no one gets the wrong idea.) Of course he looked better in his photos, but I was trying to figure out if we would click. We met at a sushi place, sat in the back corner so we could speak. The place was super quiet, which made it awkward to have a conversation without everyone hearing us. First, we talked about what we did for a living and basic life things. (Oh… and he’s married, but she’s not interested in sex and hasn’t been in a long time.) I watched him eat his sushi with a fork, tried to teach him how to use chopsticks… it was a disaster… which made me think he’s not very refined for a man his age, but it gave me something to talk about.

As we finished up, the place started clearing out, but the two women sitting behind us were barely whispering, which made me think they were listening to us. Then he got on his phone and started googling something… his entire face changed from normal to lustful creepy… said something like, “So how do you want to do this? Want to get a room at the Comfort Inn down the street and see if we click? I know you could use the money.” He’d been googling hotels in the area. (Let me add right here that the area is not a place I would ever get a cheap hotel, no matter the occasion.) He wanted to leave right away.

I was taken aback, because this wasn’t the “arrangement” I was seeking. In fact, I had clearly stated in my profile what I was looking for, yet I was open-minded at the same time – and I certainly wasn’t asking to get paid to have sex with a stranger. Speechless, he could tell that I was uncomfortable by his surprising offer (not to mention that a place like the Comfort Inn would be a place to sleep when I was in college, but certainly not a place to take a woman if you’re trying to woo her.) Plus, I had clearly stated I’m not an escort, so at the same time I was slightly offended but it hadn’t completely sunken in yet. It was like the initial shock you feel getting unexpectedly slapped in the face.

I politely told him I’d have to think about it, since we just met, and it was a good excuse to get the hell out of there. Once I left and had time to absorb what had just happened, I was disgusted. I mean, how does a man claiming he didn’t want a “pro” or an escort meet someone like me and offer the same exact thing he claims he’s not looking for?

I had about an hour drive home to think about it all, sent him an email saying thanks but no thanks, and I let him know that his offer was offensive and cheap. He apologized, because that wasn’t his intention. We didn’t contact each other again. About a year later, I went back on the site and he was still on there without any changes to his profile. Some men just never learn, no matter the age.

After meeting two other men on that site, I deleted my profile. To be continued…

College Cub from a Cougar Dating Site

Fullbacks

Mrs. Robinson panties

I met a 24-year-old College Cub a few years ago on a cougar dating site. His pictures were really cute – blond hair, blue eyes, average build. He seemed like he could hold a decent, educated conversation, which is important to me. He lived about an hour and a half away, and we only hung out twice, mostly because he was unreliable or wanted to show up at my place at midnight and stay the night when I had to work the next day.

Upon the first actual meeting, College Cub showed up with alcohol, which is more than what I’m used to. He was wearing sweatpants and a tshirt and looked a little sloppy, and he was much shorter than he alluded in his profile. We made drinks and sat on the infamous cougar couch to chat and get to know each other. He would be graduating college that year, and he worked in sales. He was definitely easy to talk to, and we seemed to enjoy each other’s company. A few hours later, we were all over each other… but he was definitely inexperienced and anxious.

I don’t mind giving a few directions, but College Cub had no idea what he was doing. I had to teach him everything… even to slow down when he kissed me, because he must have thought he was in a race. He didn’t know what to do with his fingers, so I gently showed him how to rub my special places and how to properly insert a finger without jabbing me like a cattle prod. He didn’t know how to use his mouth when he went down on my either, so I had to instruct him there as well. It was truly work and not that much fun for me.

College Cub’s dick was a little on the small side, which made it even more work for me in that department. A little short, and not thick, which meant riding him was going to take some extra skills. Finally, it was late, and he finished quickly.

We saw each other once more after that, and he remembered a lot of what I taught him, which was nicer than giving instructions while I was trying to get off. Once every so often, I’d hear from College Cub, and I’d spy on his Facebook page to see whether or not he was in a relationship and trying to pull one over on me – and he was. He was begging me to have him over, and I’d moved about 45 minutes from where I’d lived when I saw him prior, but he didn’t care. I told him I wasn’t interested, but he didn’t take that as an answer. Then I simply said I didn’t want to see him and to stay with his girlfriend. Still, he thought something was wrong with me. So… I ghosted him. But he kept up a conversation all by himself just fine for the next three days.

Talking to himself

Talking to himself

Forgotten Hookups

Sexting my legs

Sexting my legs

What a weird weekend! Maybe it’s the full moon or something – but I heard from several different guys I hadn’t heard from in a LONG time. My phone was dinging with text messages with both potential and old hookups, but I simply wasn’t interested in any of them.

One was from a 20-something guy I’d met a few years ago after a night of drinking. I’ll just refer to him as Mr. Bush, because I had to tell him to trim that shit up. We stayed in touch for quite some time, but I hadn’t heard from him since last summer. Never bothered to say hello, how are you, kiss my ass, nothing… but proceeded to send me a random text wanting to hook up – as if I’ve spent the last year of my life waiting for him (**chuckles**). Of course, by now his number is no longer in my phone, so I’m like who’s this? Not only does he tell me, but he also includes – get this – a mostly limp dick pic and his unshaved bush. I happened to be out with my friends, so I shared the pic with them for some great laughs and wtf faces. I told Mr. Bush I wasn’t available, he begged and begged, and I ignored him. Then he actually called me (gasp!), and I could tell he’d been drinking, which is probably the only reason I was hearing from him. I not-so-politely told him to go fuck himself and haven’t heard from him since.

A 30-something guy that I’d met on Tinder two years ago also sent me a text wanting to sext. I will refer to him as Banana Dick, because his dick was long and curved like a banana. Again, I had no idea who it was, because I do not keep numbers for long. Who’s this?

Him: “####, we met on tinder and fucked twice”.

Seriously, this was a few years ago, and I’ve had my fair share of forgotten hookups since. Once I established who he was, I reminded him we only fucked once (he was too controlling and into himself for me to want to do it again). He said we fucked twice the same night. Semantics. He was passing thru my city, thought of me, and got horny. Flattering. He wanted me to send him pics, so I just sent him a pic of my legs. He wanted more, and I wasn’t falling for it. Told me how horny he was thinking about me. Then he BEGGED me to call him so he could hear my voice, because it would make him get off faster. I’m sitting there thinking WTF?!! Where do these guys get off thinking I’m just here and available without any life whatsoever waiting on them for years? Fucking narcissists. I made the excuse that I had to charge my phone. He was so desperate, it made me giggle that I had control of this little bitch.

Another forgotten hookup wasn’t actually forgotten completely. I’d seen him on a dating site a few years ago and discovered he’d never left it. He contacted me begging to hang out again, and then I remembered why I wasn’t interested. Although he had beautiful mesmerizing eyes, his breath was terrible and the sex wasn’t enough to die for. Plus, he lives with his mom. Three strikes. No thanks.