I’ve had the most bizarre few weeks. Several people I haven’t heard from in ages contacted me. Perhaps it’s the change of season?
One is a guy I dated several years before I was married – someone I have plenty of blog material about but haven’t the opportunity to discuss yet. He contacted me through Facebook. Apparently, I’d sent him a message about a year and a half ago and he’s just now seeing it. Thankfully, he has a kid and a wife to pay attention to now.
Another person I heard from a few weeks ago was College Boyfriend asking if I was safe from the storm. That was a huge surprise, because I hadn’t heard from him since that last encounter.
And then I ran into my ex husband – alone – which was a surprise not seeing him with Bitch Face. He denied that Bitch Face sent me that nasty text message saying to never contact him again, but I don’t believe he wrote it himself. And just like he’s always done, he believes everything other people tell him and repeated a rumor someone had spread about our child (which was far from the truth), and this upset me. Other than that, we had a mostly decent conversation and agreed that we needed to meet up to close the chapter we never closed. (The reason it was never closed was because he started dating Bitch Face and we stopped speaking.)
Then this is the most difficult part… I can’t even post the details about this yet, because I’m too emotional. Someone I’ve written about here started contacting me again, but because of our past, I mostly blew him off. But we did hang out a few times for a meal and just to chat. He told me he missed me, missed cuddling with me, and that loved me, which was nothing close to what he’d ever told me before. I didn’t believe him and figured he had an ulterior motive. Two days later, he was found dead. So I’m an emotional trainwreck at the moment, as you can imagine.
When I’m ready, I will post more about this. I’m unable to do any cam shows or photo shoots or anything that requires me to smile or focus right now. Hopefully, once a funeral or memorial service is arranged, I can start getting back to normal. For now, I’m living in a surreal world trying to deal with everything and find out answers.
I read an interview today about Jennifer Lopez’s autobiography titled True Love, in which she talks about her failed relationships and marriages. Her disappointment came from giving too much of herself, giving into her partner’s wants and needs, instead of going for what she wanted and needed. I find myself falling into that situation time and time again.
This vicious cycle of giving instead of listening to my own needs probably stems from the way I grew up. I watched mothers around me give to men for years, even at times putting them before their children, because they feel their value somehow lies with making the man happy instead of themselves. Putting everyone first and neglecting my own needs was something I became conditioned to do, and it’s a really tough cycle to break if you’ve been doing it your entire life.
Looking back at past relationships, even if I didn’t want to have sex, I would do it anyway just to make the man happy. This type of behavior always causes resentment and misery, and it often results in the lack of sexual desire. Believe it or not, for a long time I didn’t want sex. In fact, I avoided it, because I viewed it as a boring chore rather than something pleasurable. It was because I kept giving into my partner’s needs and wants (not just sexually) rather than taking care of my own.
Even now, I find myself (and my friends remind me) that I give too much of myself too quickly, and I’m too trusting at first. I guess I just tend to like people more than they deserve. So after spending nearly a week without power from the storm, I have a different perspective of things… I’m putting me first, and anyone that can’t handle it can hit the road.
After a breakup, there’s a lot of sexual tension built up – especially when you end up with someone that has a high sex drive. Shortly after my separation, I created a Facebook profile and began adding people that I hadn’t seen in years. One in particular was a guy that I hadn’t seen since my early 20s, because he’d gone into the Marines and we’d lost touch. He was eager to meet up again, but it was too soon for me emotionally to want to meet up with anyone. Besides, I was still technically married and living under the same roof as my ex. Too many complications for me to indulge in something new, but he was very persistent and didn’t seem to respect my need for space at that time in my life (red flag #1).
I blew him off until a few months later when I saw an article I thought he’d enjoy and messaged it to him. He’d deleted me as his Facebook friend! (Red flag #2.) He thanked me for the article and began asking me out again. I was hesitant, but for whatever reason, there was something about him that I was attracted to. I think there was sexual chemistry even over the internet. By that point, I was ready to “meet for a drink” at a local pub. He looked great (we’re the same age) and the chemistry in person was definitely there.
We decided to go back to his place. When he opened the door, I was taken aback by the odor of stinky dog. He had two dogs he kept caged up (red flag #3) and apparently didn’t spend much time training them. Still, the sexual chemistry was so intense, and that was my reason for being there.
After only a few drinks, he grabbed me and kissed me very passionately. I could feel myself melt and my panties getting soaked. We moved from his patio to inside his house, basically ripping each other’s clothes off and strewing them about the floor. It had been about 20 years, but I remembered now why was attracted to him – he had a huge cock and knew how to use it. We ended up in his guest bedroom fucking so hard the king-sized mattress ended up halfway off the bed, my head almost hitting the floor as he pounded me. He kept mentioning how wet I was and realized the mattress was soaked. I don’t think I’d ever been that wet during a sexual encounter in my entire life.
Mind you, I hadn’t had very much sex during my relationship and had only hooked up a couple of times since separating (nothing too memorable at that point, which is why I’m calling him my first fuck). It was the BEST sex I’d had in years. Even thinking about it now gets me hot and bothered.
But there were other things about this Marine that had red flags written all over. I ended up nicknaming him Psycho Marine to my friends. I will write more about him later…