The Guy with the Tic Tac Dick

My hands are bigger than his.
My hands are bigger than his.

Another blind date setup happened earlier this year. My friends (a couple) had a new roommate they thought I’d be interested in meeting. Their reasoning was this: he’s younger than me (35), rides a Harley, has a stable job, has tattoos, and is a fun and nice guy. Mmmkay. I saw some of his pics on Facebook so I had a better idea of what I was dealing with. He wasn’t bad, maybe a little nerdy (fine by me), seemed like fun in his pics.

The first time I met him, my friends had invited me over for a BBQ. There was chaos all around, so that made it difficult for conversation. But so far, he seemed nice. I ended up leaving when a couple of people there were arguing and I wanted no part of it. A day or so later, he contacted me that he’d like to hang out sometime and get to know each other better when things weren’t so dramatic. Okay, cool.

A couple of weeks later, he came to my place, we had some drinks and conversation. He seemed like a pretty smart guy, motivated, and had some interesting stories. We discussed doing things together – motorcycle rides, kayaking, hiking, etc. – things that would be nice to do with another person. We saw each other a few more times after that, but (in hindsight) it was because my friend arranged it (i.e. meeting them at a restaurant, them cooking dinner, etc.). He made jokes about himself, saying things like his dick was the size of a Tic Tac. When I asked why he would say something like that, he said he didn’t want buyer’s remorse. I didn’t take him seriously.

At some point, he mentioned that he’s great at massages… and I am a sucker for them, so of course I wanted to see what this was all about. Surprisingly, he wasn’t lying when he said he’s great at massages. Then his hands started wandering. That’s when I noticed how small they were. Like Trump hands but smaller. And small fingers. Of course, by now I’m wondering what else is small.

My back was to him while he was still rubbing my shoulders and now my chest. He started kissing me on the back of the neck and it went from there. To be honest, there isn’t much of anything hot and heavy to write about for this post on this particular guy, because he was an awful kisser and had a small dick. Tic Tac dick was probably the only thing he hadn’t lied about besides the massage bragging. Sex was awful (for me), but he seemed to enjoy it.

I wasn’t interested in a relationship with Tic Tac dick anyway, but I didn’t mind being friends and having someone around to do activities with. Suddenly, I’d stop hearing from Tic Tac out of nowhere, then weeks or so later, he’d text me out of the blue. This went on and off for a couple of months. Now here’s the kicker that my friends conveniently “forgot” to mention – he was newly out of a relationship… new as in the week before I met him, which is why he was their roommate. Are you shitting me? I knew that this would go nowhere, because there were small children in the picture, not to mention his ex lived about a mile from me. I just assumed he was going back to his ex during the times I wouldn’t hear from him.

After not hearing from him for several months, I received another text from Tic Tac wanting to hang out and give me a massage. By then I’d caught on to his pattern of bullshit, so I thought fine, a massage would be great. He came over, gave me a massage, I could tell he was expecting more, I yawned and said I’m tired, and he left.

A few weeks later, I found out from my friends that while Tic Tac was at my house giving me a massage, they’d kicked him out of their house, he had a live-in girlfriend that he was supposedly engaged to and was fighting with (did I mention she was also his employee?). I sent him a text asking (and hoping she was checking his phone) about his relationship status and did he want to come over and give me another massage. He refused to answer. In fact, he was such a big pussy that he never answered me again. Turns out he’s another huge liar and a player, even with small hands and a Tic Tac dick.

Apparently, he’d talked shit about me to my friends, including sexual details about me, which I thought was inappropriate unless you live in a frat house. My female friend said he’s a disgusting pig and a player. I couldn’t understand how, because now that I knew him for what he was, he had nothing to offer AND was horrible in bed. Who wants that?? Not me!

My First Blind Date

I guess he was into handcuffs.
I guess he was into handcuffs.

When I was in my twenties, I entered a contest at a club in Miami (that’s another blog entry in itself), where I met Lissa for the first time. We’ve been friends ever since, but back then I didn’t realize the extent of her bad sense of judgment when it came to men. I should have known when Lissa hooked me up on a blind date with a guy that she claimed was a millionaire. I had no idea what this man looked like or anything about him. He had a foreign name that sounded similar to asshole, he was a businessman and “had a lot of money,” as she put it. I’d never been out with anyone that “had a lot of money,” so I wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

She told me to pack a suitcase. I was like huh??? She said to pack a suitcase, and bring a really nice cocktail dress. She wouldn’t tell me what was going on until I made her, because I damn sure wasn’t going to be pimped out to a strange man overnight. Lissa confessed he was planning on flying us to New York for dinner. New York??? That seemed a little extreme to me, especially for a blind date. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable with that at all, that I know nothing about this man, and I’m not flying anywhere. Instead, I agreed to meet him at his house on the water, we’d go to dinner and then a helicopter ride. Sounded fine to me.

I arrived at his house, which was pretty much a mansion, or at least it was to me. When he greeted me, I was shocked at how absolutely 100% I was NOT attracted to him, but I gave it a chance anyway. We went to dinner at an Italian restaurant and then on the helicopter ride, which was really cool. Still, I wasn’t feeling it with this guy at all. We went back to his house and had a couple of drinks. He said I could stay the night in his guest room. Okay. So I attempt to go to sleep. I could tell the sheets hadn’t been changed, which grossed me out. Then things got really weird.

Now this was before everyone had cell phones, so I had no way to communicate with anyone or to scream at my friend for setting me up with this situation. The guy was a total weirdo. I could hear him pacing back and forth, back and forth for hours. I wasn’t sure if he was snorting coke or what. He came into the room and lay down on the bed next to me. I cringed. I pretended to be asleep. I know he wanted to get it on, but I wasn’t about to let that happen. I just wanted to get the fuck out, but I wanted to be sober enough to do it. At some point, I didn’t care if I had alcohol in my system or not – I was ready to get the hell out of there and never look back.

I grabbed my shit and hauled ass out of there. He was still up and around, asking why I was leaving. I made some excuse that I couldn’t sleep (which was true) and I needed to feed my cats or something.

Fast forward years later… this guy winds up in the local news for miscellaneous things, including beating his girlfriend. So not only is he disgusting to look at, his personality sucks and he’s a woman beater. Ugh.

I never let Lissa hook me up ever again.


Aunt Paula’s Blind Date Setup

I would stomp him with these spike heels.
I would stomp him with these spike heels.

I really hate when people try to set me up with someone they “think” I’ll like. I’ve already told my friends and family please don’t, because usually their pickings are worse than my own. The most recent incident was my Aunt Paula trying to set me up with a contractor doing something at her house. (Here is where I should state Aunt Paula’s taste in men is pretty awful, so I take her words with a grain of salt in that aspect.)

Aunt Paula tells me this guy is close to my age (he’s older), is good at his job (construction type of work), has a great personality, a lot of energy and is good looking. I said okay, send me a photo and his name so I can check him out. Not bad in his photos, but his Facebook page says he’s been in a relationship for the last year and a half. I tell her this, she relays the message, he says no he’s single. I say bullshit… because no one keeps “in a relationship” as their Facebook status when they’re truly single. Still, she insists he doesn’t know what that is about. Oh, but I do, I tell her, because I’ve been through this before with liars. She has a tendency to believe everything a man will tell her instead of looking at plain, hard facts.

Over the next few weeks, Aunt Paula is bugging the shit out of me to please meet this guy, even if we just become friends. “Sorry,” I tell her, “I don’t have time for men in relationships or newly out of them. Plus, he lives over an hour away from me. No time for that.”

About two weeks later I needed to pick up a book Aunt Paula had for me. I stopped by, and coincidentally, Contractor shows up before I could leave. First impression: NO.

Besides the fact that Contractor looked better in his photos than in person, his “energy” was more on the level of someone with ADHD. He actually reminded me a lot of Skinny Leg Guy. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, couldn’t focus on the work he was there to do, his “jokes” were slightly on the offensive side, and he was too touchy-feely for me. He immediately made sexual references to things and implied “we will” have sex. He put his arm around my waist, tried hugging up to me, and basically did everything “wrong” – all the while excusing himself that he’s just a jokester. And the biggest part of this “catch”? I smelled alcohol on him.

Aunt Paula kept insisting that Contractor was a nice guy and seemed like fun. So I had to remind her that she’s been married to the same dud (yes dud, not dude!) for the last 25 years, which I’m sure would make any man seem like a lot of fun.

“Seriously, Aunt Paula,” I told her, “I couldn’t even hang out with this guy as a “friend” for more than a few minutes, because he’s already drained me of my energy and patience. If you like him so much, you date him, but no thank you!”

So far she’s left me alone about him, but I have a feeling I’m going to hear more later.