The past few weeks have been emotionally charged with differentiating feelings. For about a week, I walked around in a daze, because everything seemed surreal, and I was in disbelief. I knew I had to leave town in order to get my mind away from the fact that every time I go outside, I see his house.
Leaving town helped. I went by myself to a city I used to live in, ran into very few people I used to know, said very little to anyone, and mainly read books in a quiet place. Instead of crying most of the day, it dwindled down to 2-3x a day, then one day I was so exhausted, nothing at all. But I do still cry.
I go back and forth about how I feel/felt about this person and how bad he was for me, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. There has been no funeral or memorial, and so far nothing has been planned. So no closure there. Besides that, there are still no answers, since autopsy and toxicology results can take up to 90 days. Even then, I still may not be privy to that outcome. There are rumors of suicide, but I don’t want to think that’s what happened, especially since we’d been in touch the night before he died, and he seemed fine – he even joked flirtatiously.
Most people have been very compassionate, as most humans are during a time of loss, but one horribly negative comment can spiral out of control. For instance, I was venting to someone that knew him about how upset I was that people were spreading suicide rumors. His response? “People die all the time. Life goes on.” No shit, Sherlock. That wasn’t the response I was looking for; I was looking for comfort, an open ear, and I expected that since we’d all gone to school together, he’d show some compassion. When I expressed how thoughtless he was being, he said, “Take a Valium or join him!” Needless to say, that “friend” is done for good.
Another friend has been very helpful. She called me every day to check on me, knowing what a basket case I was. We went out for a few beers one evening, and there was a great singer. My friend requested some love song or something that sounded sad. Then the performer started playing “Over the Rainbow”, and I about lost it. I had to walk out. My friend was trying to convince me that I needed to cry. Sure I do, but I had already been crying for three days straight, and I didn’t go out to cry more. Plus, I hate crying in public, especially when other people are having fun.
A few days ago, someone in his family started a memorial page for him on Facebook. Another school friend told me about it, but when I requested to join, I was denied. Apparently, it’s only meant for certain people we went to school with 20 years ago, but not me. I wish she hadn’t even told me about it. It just hurts even more to feel rejected again.
Last night I logged onto both MFC and Chaturbate, attempting to see how I can face the camera again. I didn’t do so well. Besides my tolerance level being so low for bullshit, I have been super antisocial since all of this has happened. I feel like I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore; I’m at a loss for words.
For fuck’s sakes… even writing this brings me to tears. I know it takes time to get over a death, but I’m ready to stop being so emotional. Maybe it’s the full moon… the pic from my last post is one he’d sent to me during October’s full moon. The pic from today’s post is the last sunrise pic he sent to me – actually, the last pic he’d ever send to me. Maybe it was his way of saying the sun will rise again? Who knows.
Last night I posted about being a rebound girl with Big Liar. I wanted to continue this story and be done with it in two posts, because I have much sexier things to blog about. (I just want to keep you all hanging. 😉 )
Big Liar eventually apologized for hurting me, which was a huge surprise, because he’s not one for admitting wrongdoing. I think he did it for his own selfish reasons, because he needed me to do things for him since no one else was around. Yes, I was a sucker. But at the same time, I needed the work he was providing me, because my regular job hours had been cut so drastically that I was in survival mode. It was either that or have no money for groceries. Shitty choices.
At some point, Big Liar and I went on a completely miserable camping trip. Why I agreed to this, I don’t know. Perhaps because we were on normal speaking terms again, I hadn’t met anyone else at that point, and I hadn’t been camping since college. It sounded like fun – plus, he was supposed to be “experienced” and told me about all of the fun stuff we’d do. (I’ll remind you here that he had no driver’s license, so I had to drive his truck.)
Thankfully, I know enough about surviving in the woods to take necessities that he didn’t – like plenty of water and food and eating utensils and baby wipes and blankets. He had two tents, one of which didn’t stand up, a couple of blowup mattresses that didn’t hold air very well, hunting rifles, a knife, and a dead flashlight.
Big Liar’s idea of camping was making a fire in 85-degree weather and sitting around drinking, beginning at 8 a.m. I told him that’s not camping – that’s what homeless people do. And then I laughed hysterically, because instinctively, by then I knew I was fucked.
Big Liar literally drank all day while I found things to do around the campsite, like cook and clean, take a walk, look at the lake and read a book. I was really bored and disappointed, because I felt like I was by myself. In fact, I thought to myself, I could have had a better time by myself and have been way better prepared had I known this would happen. He was so wasted by dinner he threatened me when I tried to make him stop drinking “my” beer (I had 4 for the entire trip, he had beer, Jack, and Fireball). I was scared for a minute, because it was then that I realized here I was alone with this ass (absolutely no one was left on the camping grounds), he had weapons, he was wasted, and since he’d never shown any signs of violence prior, I’m not exactly sure what he’s capable of… but I knew that I was stronger, have better balance and sober, and if I really had to, I’d kick the shit out of him and throw his ass in the fire. Fifteen seconds after he threatened me he remembered nothing about it. I knew I had to leave, if not for my safety, then for my sanity.
Eventually, he passed out around 7 p.m. and snored like a wild hog. The fire went out, hardly any firewood was left, and the flashlight was dead. I was using my phone’s flashlight to get around. This is when I took this perfect opportunity to look at Big Liar’s phone. I wouldn’t normally have looked at anyone’s phone, but I felt something was up, and he’d already lied to me more than once. Besides, he’d left me by myself with nothing else to do in the dark. What was a girl to do all alone?
Oh. My. God. I was being so played! Big Liar had been sexting several other women, getting blowjobs from his 66-year-old divorce attorney’s secretary (in return for reduced fees!), begging other women for nude photos and trying to take other ones out to dinner (even though he couldn’t drive). I had been the sucker driving his ass all over town to his court appointments and whatever else he needed, cooking for him and whatever else he had me doing to help him out. Then I saw “babysitter porn” (the legal kind, but nevertheless) and I about lost it, because of the age of his kids. It was sickening. My head was spinning and aching.
I was shaking as I was reading through it all… and Big Liar snored loudly throughout the night. I packed my shit, took his keys, and drove away, leaving him there… I got to the gate and it was locked for the night, and I didn’t have the code on the lock to leave. All I wanted to do was go home, but I was stuck. I had to go back, attempted to stay in his truck and charge my phone because I was using it as a flashlight and it had died – and then the fucking truck battery died! I truly felt like I was in my own horror movie. It was pitch black, the fire was mostly out, and I couldn’t even see where to squat to take a piss.
Everything in my life became crystal clear to me at that point. It was like a reawakening, an epiphany… I didn’t sleep the entire night but pretended to, got up shortly after daybreak and said, “Let’s go, I have to go into work today,” and began throwing everything into the bed of the truck. Big Liar refused to pack, refused to leave, had already started drinking at 7 a.m., somehow had jumped the truck battery, and had hidden the truck key. I found an area in the park that had an outlet to charge my phone, called my boss to pick me up, which was embarrassing, but she understood. All I wanted to do was go home.
That evening, Big Liar “yelled” at me by text that I left him there and no one was around to drive him. Boo-hoo! He claimed he had to drive himself back all alone without a license and could have been pulled over. Again, boo-hoo! I’d wished he’d gotten pulled over, because he was drunker than shit driving down a main highway on an already drunken driving suspended license, so he’d have deserved it. I’m just glad he didn’t hurt anyone else. After that, I ignored him.
Two months later, I found out Big Liar been trying to work things out with his ex-wife (by then they were divorced) around the holidays. He came by my house after the holidays to “say hi” one night when he was wasted, and when I asked him about them getting back together he said it wasn’t working out. We’d both been drinking, we made out, because I was just stupid and weak… No sex, because he can’t get it up.
A week later, I got an email from his ex-wife that she wanted to talk, because “we may be dealing with the same habitual liar” and that she had given him the benefit of the doubt and they were trying to work things out. I apologized and told her everything I knew, and Big Liar blamed me for everything, claiming I made up lies about all of the other women (even though I had physical evidence), that somehow I had hacked into his phone and made it look like he sent those messages to other women and that I was obsessed with him. Mmm-kay.
When Big Liar unexpectedly stopped by my house drunk a few weeks ago (while I was broadcasting on MFC no less!), I refused to open the door and immediately told his ex, because she and I still talk. Unfortunately, he still lives down the street… and got his license back the other day. I highly suspect another driving under the influence arrest will happen in the near future.
I want no part of his loser ass whatsoever. The end.
For whatever reason, I tend to attract guys that are newly single or somewhat undecided about their single status. It didn’t matter much when I first became single, but it’s been a good three years now, so obviously I’m in a different frame of mind. Now whenever I meet someone I make it a point to ask when their last relationship was… and then I move on, because 99% of the time, it’s within the past few months.
Last year I dated someone off and on for several months that I’d gone to high school with but had never known. I say off and on, because neither of us wanted a relationship, he had nothing to offer me as a man, and he consistently pissed me off. I started out doing work for him as a barter, but was never paid in full. He basically worked very little, drank a lot, had no driver’s license, and 4 kids that I later learned hated him. Yes, he was a loser, but I can also be an idiot.
The whole thing was more of a convenience, since he lived down the street (literally down the street – I can see his driveway from mine). I also did some manual labor work for him for which he ended up paying me well (he’s lazy, so I could do twice the amount of work as he), and I was also his driver (he paid me) since he couldn’t drive. So that part seemed like a win/win for us both.
We did have a lot of fun together, however, at first. We went boating a lot, which is one of my favorite things to do… and had a lot of great oral sex. He is probably one of the best at oral that I’ve ever been with. There were times that he’d make me cum four or five times in one session. Oral and kissing were the only things he was good at, because he either always had whiskey dick or came in 30 seconds… and I really needed penetration. While I enjoy oral and kissing, I need a good hard fucking often.
I eventually realized he was probably the biggest liar I’d ever met (so I will refer to him as “Big Liar” from now on). Even though we weren’t in a “relationship” it seemed we had a mutual understanding to not sleep around with other people while we were together. Honesty was not his policy whatsoever; he was sneaky, and the more I learned, the more I began to distance myself. One evening I was bitching to my bartender friend about him. Another woman was sitting next to me and started asking details…
Does he live here and do this for a living? Yes and yes. His name is Big Liar? Yes.
She looked at me and was really nice about it and said that she was also going through a divorce and had briefly started seeing him. I thought how and when, because I live down the street and would have noticed another vehicle. When she told me the dates, that’s when I figured out it was when I was out of town visiting my family. She showed me text messages he’d sent her in those recent weeks while he was still with me – he was trying to hook up, but she was no longer interested. I was fuming, but not at her. I thanked her for telling me everything, and we’ve been friends ever since. (Of course, that really bit him in the ass! 😀 )
I ended up leaving and driving straight to his house to tell him what a piece of shit liar he was. He acted like he didn’t care one single ounce about my feelings. I left angry and in tears, hurt and confused.
But the shitty part was – I was still doing work for him and needed the money badly, so I had to continue dealing with him.