Back to Tinder it is… and an update…

No bikini pics on Tinder

No bikini pics on Tinder

I’d been seeing someone for the past few months, but I’m finally done with it, and it’s another long and really crazy story that I’ll have to blog about later. Lately, I’ve been quite the hermit, mainly because of working from home and dealing with issues that life throws at us – like death and disease – and I’ve limited myself being around people. Sometimes it takes someone or something to get us back out… so back to Tinder it is.

My point of joining Tinder is to find people to do things with, not necessarily for sex or a relationship, but mostly to form friendships. So far, I’ve been chatting it up with some guys that – so far – seem okay. But I am weary and cautious.

Then I saw Army Guy on there, so I swiped right for shits and giggles to see what he would do. To my surprise, we matched. I laughed to myself and had no intention of actually speaking to him, but he did begin the conversation.

First, he asked if this was a social experiment or a fluke. I said I just wanted to see if he would also swipe right. Being the insecure boy that he is, I’m pretty sure he didn’t like that answer. He claimed he never read what I’d written about him, although I’m not sure if that’s the truth. Then he resorted to insulting me by saying I was too needy and unstable, which confused me for about two seconds, because I remember it being quite the opposite. In fact, I was the one that called it off with him, even went as far as blocking him after his Big Fucking Baby incident. Before I could defend myself, he deleted me. I had to laugh about that one, because it was the only control he had.

I saw another guy I’d met on there a few years ago (he was a douche) and swiped left. Then I saw him out yesterday at an event, told my friend the situation, and she said he was watching me like a hawk. I walked right past him at least twice, pretending I didn’t see him, and glad he didn’t approach me.

In the meantime, I’m just trying to make a living and keep a roof over my head. Things aren’t as easy as they used to be in this country.

Let’s Talk About Condoms

Condoms: Latex or Lambskin?

Condoms: Latex or Lambskin?

I’ve always been a big believer in condom use, especially after learning the hard way years ago that the birth control pill isn’t very effective while using antibiotics, and other prescription methods weren’t compatible with my body.

I’ve probably tried several different types and brands of condoms, but there is always one or two that are preferable and reliable. Reliability is the #1 concern, otherwise, there would be no need for it in the first place, right? I’ve only had a condom break once, and it was an off-brand that I’d never heard of, probably some cheap shit made in China purchased at a gas station.

I’m not a big fan of regular latex condoms, because they irritate me and rub me raw. However, since Lifestyles brand is often given away free, it’s probably what I’ve used most. I’ve also used condoms with spermicides, and I will never use them again. They burned like hell and rubbed me raw, which caused more burning. I’ve also used ribbed condoms and found a little bit more sensation “for her pleasure,” but nothing too significant to pay the extra money.

I’m just finding out about polyurethane condoms, and I’m not sure I’ve used them before. From the Trojan website, the reviews seem to be fine except from men that said they were too small. I had a similar issue with a friend using Trojan’s Lambskin Condoms – he claimed they were too tight and he had no feeling. I’m not sure if he was telling the truth or not, so I made him use a latex condom instead.

For me personally, lambskin condoms have been absolutely awesome when it comes to feeling. It’s like not using anything at all. I suppose that’s why they are only good for pregnancy prevention and not for STD infections. These are great if you’re in a monogamous relationship, but if you’re having sex outside of that, they’re probably not the best choice. Another downside to lambskin condoms is the cost; the average price is $16 for only three condoms. I can go through the entire box in one day when I’m really in the mood. 😉

So now it’s my turn to ask the questions to my readers – what is your preferred condom and why?

More Amusing Text Messages to a MILF Cougar

Just say no to annoying texts.

Just say no to annoying texts.

There seems to be a never-ending supply of this material! From the last post on this topic, this is the same guy that’s always asking “How’s your day?” or “How was your weekend?” over and over and over. This time he texted “Happy New Year” and I answered back the same. I have learned to avoid answering questions like these, because he wants to hear ALL of my sex stories (apparently via text as opposed to my blog), then he proceeds to ask me 150 questions (which are also repetitive). I’ve actually gone off on him before telling him that he asks the same f%^*ing questions over and over, that it gets old, and why is he so interested in my sex life? I know for a fact he gets off on these stories, but I’m not going to sit and text about it for hours when I have a blog that he can read to get his jollies off.

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Then there’s this guy. I named him this in my phone, because I couldn’t for the life of me ever remember his name, even though it’s fairly common. I suppose it’s just because I have no interest in dating him. We did hang out one evening, but there was no sex involved. He had horrible breath and I wasn’t into him at all. I guess he’s to be admired for his tenacity, but begging just makes him look super pathetic.

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And now he’s begging.

 

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Just Some Holiday Stuff…

I want meaningful gifts.

I want meaningful gifts.

I’m not a big fan of the holidays, and I never have been (unless you count Halloween). I suppose it stems from my later childhood years, because things were always really stressful in my home. I’m also not a fan of spending a shit ton of money on a bunch of stupid crap that will eventually be broken or thrown away or outdated in a year. Not only is it a waste of money, it’s meaningless. I prefer to have experiences that give me wonderful memories, and I make my own meaningful gifts to give.

Except during the years I was married, I have spent a lot of holidays alone and/or single. Today I was reading through old emails and realized that I wasn’t alone two years ago at Christmas, because I had just started seeing Bawh-ston, and he kind of hung around even though I was trying to spend some time with family. I didn’t mind, because I liked him at the time, but he had pretty much invited himself. Last Christmas I was single, so a single girl friend of mine and I decided to take a short trip and drink cocktails… and we had a blast.

New Year’s Eve is a different story. I have spent the last three alone. I think last year I didn’t even bother staying up; I just said f*ck it and went to sleep early. The year before that I was still seeing Bawh-ston, but I’d bought myself a concert ticket and went by myself, because he couldn’t afford to go. And the year before that, I was newly single but driving back from a trip from out of town and (gladly) came back to an empty house.

This year? For Christmas, I spent time with family and my new cub (will blog about him later). I have no idea what this weekend will bring me. I haven’t made plans, and I really don’t care to spend money on going anywhere. Plus, I am not a fan of crowds. I would prefer to hang out with my cub somewhere in nature, have a few drinks, and ring in the New Year quietly. But we will see about that.

Amusing Text Messages to a Cougar MILF

Amusing myself with unmatched panties.

Amusing myself with unmatched panties.

I have to turn my ringer off at night, because sometimes I get these random messages at times when no one should be contacting me unless it’s an emergency.

This one, for example, came from a guy from out of town that I met about four years ago right after my breakup. It was probably the worst sex of my life. He was 33 and had no idea what he was doing in bed. I never saw him again, although he did text me once in a while. But this was the last text I ever received, and we hadn’t communicated in some time, so this was clearly out of nowhere. I think he got the hint.

Clueless

Clueless

This comes from a friend that I have hooked up with once or twice. He has some pretty interesting stories and fantasies that we discuss. He may or may not be reading my blog material… 😉 But he sends the same messages asking the same damn questions, and I don’t have time to text all day long, because that’s how it ends up when I do answer him.

New material, please.

New material, please.

I like to f*ck with wrong numbers. This one amused the hell out of me but apparently not them. I was hoping to keep the conversation going. 😉

LOL

Maybe Lexi isn’t sexy.

Dating is (Mostly) Dead

My eyes are north.

My eyes are north.

I can probably count on one hand the number of “actual” dates I’ve been on in the last three years. (Hanging out at my place doesn’t count.) When my relationship ended, I resorted to PoF to see what was out there. I found it more to be plenty of sharks, plenty of liars, and plenty of needy leeches. And definitely plenty of assholes!

After being in a relationship for a long period of time and also being over the age of 35, it’s easy to forget what it’s like to date or to be single. Besides the lack of available AND quality people my own age, I had found myself to be very vulnerable and completely inexperienced… a virgin, if you will. (Not quite a virgin, but you get the picture.) I quickly remembered how shitty being single can be be when it comes to the world of dating… how being vulnerable can lead to stupid and hasty decisions all in the name of wanting to be loved or just cuddled.

The two dates I went on this year went pretty well. One was cocktails and dinner with a friend (we hooked up in the past but not anymore). He’s one of those people that I can have fun with no matter what without any hard feelings later. Another was with a man about 10 years older that I saw maybe a handful of times. We had dinner and went to a brewery afterwards. But he’s a blog post I’ll write another time.

It’s very rare that I get asked on an actual date, but when I do, it’s usually someone I do not want to date. This past Friday was exceptional, because I had three date offers. So what did I do? I chose to stay at home by myself, watch sappy movies and go to bed early.

Three date offers for me (especially in one night) is unheard of. First, I’ve had this guy I met a while back and sometimes run into (we hung out once, no sex or making out) begging me to do something with him. He’s nice, but something isn’t right about him… like maybe too rough around the edges. Plus, he had horrible breath last time we hung out. I’m looking for someone a little more polished.

Another offer came from a young and talented hottie, but there is definitely something off about him. It has nothing to do with his criminal history (*chuckles*), but he says some off-the-wall shit that makes me question his sanity. Keeping a safe distance from this guy. I need someone with a lot more maturity than what he has to offer.

And last, but not least, someone that I really like as a friend and only a friend keeps asking me to do things. It probably didn’t help that I “accidentally” made out with him after a few beers during a really vulnerable time a couple of weeks ago, even though I have zero physical attraction to him. I’m afraid he’s hoping for more than friendship, so I’m keeping a safe distance from him as well.

If I could take all of the qualities I like in all three of these guys and put them into one, there might be an actual date. While I would absolutely love to meet someone that can accept me for who I am and vice versa, I’m not holding my breath. I know my chances and choices are slim. I don’t want to waste my time going on empty dates with men that I know will lead to nowhere. After being single for three years, I realize that I may have to accept being single for the rest of my life, because I’m certainly not going to settle for anything less than what I want or deserve.

I Tried…

14877624_1826759570901736_1090793624_nThe past few weeks have been emotionally charged with differentiating feelings. For about a week, I walked around in a daze, because everything seemed surreal, and I was in disbelief. I knew I had to leave town in order to get my mind away from the fact that every time I go outside, I see his house.

Leaving town helped. I went by myself to a city I used to live in, ran into very few people I used to know, said very little to anyone, and mainly read books in a quiet place. Instead of crying most of the day, it dwindled down to 2-3x a day, then one day I was so exhausted, nothing at all. But I do still cry.

I go back and forth about how I feel/felt about this person and how bad he was for me, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. There has been no funeral or memorial, and so far nothing has been planned. So no closure there. Besides that, there are still no answers, since autopsy and toxicology results can take up to 90 days. Even then, I still may not be privy to that outcome. There are rumors of suicide, but I don’t want to think that’s what happened, especially since we’d been in touch the night before he died, and he seemed fine – he even joked flirtatiously.

Most people have been very compassionate, as most humans are during a time of loss, but one horribly negative comment can spiral out of control. For instance, I was venting to someone that knew him about how upset I was that people were spreading suicide rumors. His response? “People die all the time. Life goes on.” No shit, Sherlock. That wasn’t the response I was looking for; I was looking for comfort, an open ear, and I expected that since we’d all gone to school together, he’d show some compassion. When I expressed how thoughtless he was being, he said, “Take a Valium or join him!” Needless to say, that “friend” is done for good.

Another friend has been very helpful. She called me every day to check on me, knowing what a basket case I was. We went out for a few beers one evening, and there was a great singer. My friend requested some love song or something that sounded sad. Then the performer started playing “Over the Rainbow”, and I about lost it. I had to walk out. My friend was trying to convince me that I needed to cry. Sure I do, but I had already been crying for three days straight, and I didn’t go out to cry more. Plus, I hate crying in public, especially when other people are having fun.

A few days ago, someone in his family started a memorial page for him on Facebook. Another school friend told me about it, but when I requested to join, I was denied. Apparently, it’s only meant for certain people we went to school with 20 years ago, but not me. I wish she hadn’t even told me about it. It just hurts even more to feel rejected again.

Last night I logged onto both MFC and Chaturbate, attempting to see how I can face the camera again. I didn’t do so well. Besides my tolerance level being so low for bullshit, I have been super antisocial since all of this has happened. I feel like I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore; I’m at a loss for words.

For fuck’s sakes… even writing this brings me to tears. I know it takes time to get over a death, but I’m ready to stop being so emotional. Maybe it’s the full moon… the pic from my last post is one he’d sent to me during October’s full moon. The pic from today’s post is the last sunrise pic he sent to me – actually, the last pic he’d ever send to me. Maybe it was his way of saying the sun will rise again? Who knows.

Bizarre Week & Feeling Blue

Feeling blue

Feeling blue

I’ve had the most bizarre few weeks. Several people I haven’t heard from in ages contacted me. Perhaps it’s the change of season?

One is a guy I dated several years before I was married – someone I have plenty of blog material about but haven’t the opportunity to discuss yet. He contacted me through Facebook. Apparently, I’d sent him a message about a year and a half ago and he’s just now seeing it. Thankfully, he has a kid and a wife to pay attention to now.

Another person I heard from a few weeks ago was College Boyfriend asking if I was safe from the storm. That was a huge surprise, because I hadn’t heard from him since that last encounter.

And then I ran into my ex husband – alone – which was a surprise not seeing him with Bitch Face. He denied that Bitch Face sent me that nasty text message saying to never contact him again, but I don’t believe he wrote it himself. And just like he’s always done, he believes everything other people tell him and repeated a rumor someone had spread about our child (which was far from the truth), and this upset me. Other than that, we had a mostly decent conversation and agreed that we needed to meet up to close the chapter we never closed. (The reason it was never closed was because he started dating Bitch Face and we stopped speaking.)

Then this is the most difficult part… I can’t even post the details about this yet, because I’m too emotional. Someone I’ve written about here started contacting me again, but because of our past, I mostly blew him off. But we did hang out a few times for a meal and just to chat. He told me he missed me, missed cuddling with me, and that loved me, which was nothing close to what he’d ever told me before. I didn’t believe him and figured he had an ulterior motive. Two days later, he was found dead. So I’m an emotional trainwreck at the moment, as you can imagine.

When I’m ready, I will post more about this. I’m unable to do any cam shows or photo shoots or anything that requires me to smile or focus right now. Hopefully, once a funeral or memorial service is arranged, I can start getting back to normal. For now, I’m living in a surreal world trying to deal with everything and find out answers.

I Am Not a Princess

These Princess shoes don't fit.

These Princess shoes don’t fit.

A few months ago, one of my oldest friends (since preschool) was posting all sorts of photos on her Facebook page about it being her “birthday month”. So there were multiple pics of gifts and dinners for days. Now this wasn’t a special birthday like her 40th or anything, so getting gifts and meals for the entire month seemed like a strange thing to me. Then it dawned on me that this particular friend is definitely more of a Princess than I had imagined her to be.

I have another friend that considers herself a Princess, especially on holidays and her birthday. She makes a huge ordeal out of it, buys herself special cakes, and insists her husband buy her expensive jewelry, even though they can barely afford it. God forbid if you forget to tell her “happy birthday,” because she’ll pout about it for some time.

I just don’t get these types of women. For my birthday, which I try not to make too public, I usually get myself takeout from a place that serves delicious food or go somewhere to for a few drinks. (This year, a work friend took me out for sushi.) But I cannot for the life of me imagine celebrating for an entire month. That seems a little extreme. I would prefer to go on a nice trip somewhere for a week rather than have “things” that won’t make me happy. But that’s just me… because I am not a Princess.

Taking Care of My Own Needs

If they don't like it, they can hit the road.

If they don’t like it, they can hit the road.

I read an interview today about Jennifer Lopez’s autobiography titled True Love, in which she talks about her failed relationships and marriages. Her disappointment came from giving too much of herself, giving into her partner’s wants and needs, instead of going for what she wanted and needed. I find myself falling into that situation time and time again.

This vicious cycle of giving instead of listening to my own needs probably stems from the way I grew up. I watched mothers around me give to men for years, even at times putting them before their children, because they feel their value somehow lies with making the man happy instead of themselves. Putting everyone first and neglecting my own needs was something I became conditioned to do, and it’s a really tough cycle to break if you’ve been doing it your entire life.

Looking back at past relationships, even if I didn’t want to have sex, I would do it anyway just to make the man happy. This type of behavior always causes resentment and misery, and it often results in the lack of sexual desire. Believe it or not, for a long time I didn’t want sex. In fact, I avoided it, because I viewed it as a boring chore rather than something pleasurable. It was because I kept giving into my partner’s needs and wants (not just sexually) rather than taking care of my own.

Even now, I find myself (and my friends remind me) that I give too much of myself too quickly, and I’m too trusting at first. I guess I just tend to like people more than they deserve. So after spending nearly a week without power from the storm, I have a different perspective of things… I’m putting me first, and anyone that can’t handle it can hit the road.

Just Some Thoughts…

Closing a chapter

Closing a chapter

In times of a crisis, you quickly learn who truly cares about you – who sticks around to hear you out, to give you a hand, to sit with you while you weather a storm, and to help you take care of the aftermath. These are times when, if the person you’ve been having sex with isn’t around for you, you begin to reconsider the arrangement. Because: if you’re giving a part of yourself to someone and not even getting so much as an offer to cuddle or hug during difficult times, you feel undervalued. And that’s not a very good feeling – and certainly not worth the exchange of a good orgasm.

 

Haters Be Hatin’

Fuck the haters.

Fuck the haters.

It’s crucial to my job to put a smile on my face, because no one wants to look at a frowning chick on a webcam. If I’m in a bad mood, I stay off camera, since there is no need to take anything out on strangers that are trying to escape from their own worlds.

Sometimes people don’t understand that even though I sell fantasies, I am a real person with real feelings – and like everyone else, real problems. Most of the time people are super nice, but if I’m having an “off” day in my personal life, a smite comment can take the brightness out of the day. Usually, I can be thick-skinned and brush it off, so why does the comment continue to stick in my brain?

I was having one particularly bad weekend a few weeks ago. I had contacted my ex regarding something about our (adult) kid. It turned out to be no big deal, and he was pleasant about what I’d sent him. Two hours later, I get a hateful text from him saying that since I’ve moved on to never contact him about anything ever again. And then I’m pretty sure he blocked me. I was stunned. I showed the text to three different people – and every one of them said he didn’t send that, that his new girlfriend did. I realized they were right, because it was different from his “writing” and was totally something an insecure woman would say. The thing that really pisses me off is that they’ve been together since he and I were separated, and I purposely have gone out of my way trying to avoid them both in the small town we live in. And when I do see them, I either ignore them or if that’s impossible, wave a small “hello” and get on my way. I think that’s a pretty fair thing for me to do as an ex. So not only did this bitch create drama that never existed, her text brought up emotions that I thought I’d dealt with and reminded me of things I wanted to forget. It basically ruined my weekend, because it happened on Friday afternoon. Next time I run into him, I’m going to flat out ask if he really sent that text, whether or not she’s standing there, and hope karma bites her in the ass.

That same weekend, I had two chargebacks from deadbeat customers that were given a Skype show and canceled their payments. Fucking scamming cowards. I have zero tolerance for dishonesty and theft. This happened a third time this week. These people are essentially stealing my grocery money. Karma is a bitch.

And then came snide remarks from people online. I belong to some foot fetish groups on Facebook in which we post feet photos. If someone doesn’t like my feet, I don’t see the need to comment at all… just move onto something you do like, right? In one day alone, there were three or four dickhead comments. And then there are those people that create fake profiles on the camming sites with the sole purpose of insulting models. Of course, there were the great comments, so why do the negative ones seem to have more of an impact?