The past few weeks have been emotionally charged with differentiating feelings. For about a week, I walked around in a daze, because everything seemed surreal, and I was in disbelief. I knew I had to leave town in order to get my mind away from the fact that every time I go outside, I see his house.
Leaving town helped. I went by myself to a city I used to live in, ran into very few people I used to know, said very little to anyone, and mainly read books in a quiet place. Instead of crying most of the day, it dwindled down to 2-3x a day, then one day I was so exhausted, nothing at all. But I do still cry.
I go back and forth about how I feel/felt about this person and how bad he was for me, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. There has been no funeral or memorial, and so far nothing has been planned. So no closure there. Besides that, there are still no answers, since autopsy and toxicology results can take up to 90 days. Even then, I still may not be privy to that outcome. There are rumors of suicide, but I don’t want to think that’s what happened, especially since we’d been in touch the night before he died, and he seemed fine – he even joked flirtatiously.
Most people have been very compassionate, as most humans are during a time of loss, but one horribly negative comment can spiral out of control. For instance, I was venting to someone that knew him about how upset I was that people were spreading suicide rumors. His response? “People die all the time. Life goes on.” No shit, Sherlock. That wasn’t the response I was looking for; I was looking for comfort, an open ear, and I expected that since we’d all gone to school together, he’d show some compassion. When I expressed how thoughtless he was being, he said, “Take a Valium or join him!” Needless to say, that “friend” is done for good.
Another friend has been very helpful. She called me every day to check on me, knowing what a basket case I was. We went out for a few beers one evening, and there was a great singer. My friend requested some love song or something that sounded sad. Then the performer started playing “Over the Rainbow”, and I about lost it. I had to walk out. My friend was trying to convince me that I needed to cry. Sure I do, but I had already been crying for three days straight, and I didn’t go out to cry more. Plus, I hate crying in public, especially when other people are having fun.
A few days ago, someone in his family started a memorial page for him on Facebook. Another school friend told me about it, but when I requested to join, I was denied. Apparently, it’s only meant for certain people we went to school with 20 years ago, but not me. I wish she hadn’t even told me about it. It just hurts even more to feel rejected again.
Last night I logged onto both MFC and Chaturbate, attempting to see how I can face the camera again. I didn’t do so well. Besides my tolerance level being so low for bullshit, I have been super antisocial since all of this has happened. I feel like I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore; I’m at a loss for words.
For fuck’s sakes… even writing this brings me to tears. I know it takes time to get over a death, but I’m ready to stop being so emotional. Maybe it’s the full moon… the pic from my last post is one he’d sent to me during October’s full moon. The pic from today’s post is the last sunrise pic he sent to me – actually, the last pic he’d ever send to me. Maybe it was his way of saying the sun will rise again? Who knows.