What a weird weekend! Maybe it’s the full moon or something – but I heard from several different guys I hadn’t heard from in a LONG time. My phone was dinging with text messages with both potential and old hookups, but I simply wasn’t interested in any of them.
One was from a 20-something guy I’d met a few years ago after a night of drinking. I’ll just refer to him as Mr. Bush, because I had to tell him to trim that shit up. We stayed in touch for quite some time, but I hadn’t heard from him since last summer. Never bothered to say hello, how are you, kiss my ass, nothing… but proceeded to send me a random text wanting to hook up – as if I’ve spent the last year of my life waiting for him (**chuckles**). Of course, by now his number is no longer in my phone, so I’m like who’s this? Not only does he tell me, but he also includes – get this – a mostly limp dick pic and his unshaved bush. I happened to be out with my friends, so I shared the pic with them for some great laughs and wtf faces. I told Mr. Bush I wasn’t available, he begged and begged, and I ignored him. Then he actually called me (gasp!), and I could tell he’d been drinking, which is probably the only reason I was hearing from him. I not-so-politely told him to go fuck himself and haven’t heard from him since.
A 30-something guy that I’d met on Tinder two years ago also sent me a text wanting to sext. I will refer to him as Banana Dick, because his dick was long and curved like a banana. Again, I had no idea who it was, because I do not keep numbers for long. Who’s this?
Him: “####, we met on tinder and fucked twice”.
Seriously, this was a few years ago, and I’ve had my fair share of forgotten hookups since. Once I established who he was, I reminded him we only fucked once (he was too controlling and into himself for me to want to do it again). He said we fucked twice the same night. Semantics. He was passing thru my city, thought of me, and got horny. Flattering. He wanted me to send him pics, so I just sent him a pic of my legs. He wanted more, and I wasn’t falling for it. Told me how horny he was thinking about me. Then he BEGGED me to call him so he could hear my voice, because it would make him get off faster. I’m sitting there thinking WTF?!! Where do these guys get off thinking I’m just here and available without any life whatsoever waiting on them for years? Fucking narcissists. I made the excuse that I had to charge my phone. He was so desperate, it made me giggle that I had control of this little bitch.
Another forgotten hookup wasn’t actually forgotten completely. I’d seen him on a dating site a few years ago and discovered he’d never left it. He contacted me begging to hang out again, and then I remembered why I wasn’t interested. Although he had beautiful mesmerizing eyes, his breath was terrible and the sex wasn’t enough to die for. Plus, he lives with his mom. Three strikes. No thanks.